Build – Regroup – Destroy – Crawling around the edges – Standing off to the side – Refusing to believe anything about it – Deciding for yourself – A self-destructive dance across the debris collecting on the side of the road – An automobile crash recorded on a VHS tape – Seventy-nine thousand pictures recorded in his mind – I rose and I fell across the ground – I willed – I wilt – Places no one has ever heard of in the heart – Black, cold, repeat – Six and two-thirds – Opening every wound again and again – Feel something you think may be delight – It’s all something else etched across your heart – You are my inspiration for being something you’d never want to have – She took you and left you this way – Where does everything end up in the end when everything matters nothing in the end when you hear the blast when you record into memory the last seconds what will your thoughts be will you cry or reach out for more darkness until it becomes your new everything will you destroy everything to keep nothing – Show me how he abandoned you – Show me where she left your heart – Place everything in the back of your mind – You never thought to question why – A thought kept repeating in her mind – He did it all for you – White colorless text splattered onto a deathly background – Solace repeating – Quietude desired but never achieved or found – A simple metaphor – Placed within the entirety of nothing at all – Four nights thought about but over periods of years – Sending away to destroy something beautiful – Placing all of yourself there – I can hold you down with me here – You will never suspect that it is just to watch you hurt – I need to escape again – Medication blue black red green yellow colors on a plate in front of me – I can’t feel anything anymore now that I have lost everything – But I can still see the sun – I can still fly until my wings are burnt – Crashing down into the sea you realize how far away you made it – But now you are back to nothing again – But I can still see the sun – Maybe there is hope for me to make it away – By myself locked away to the side far away I hide and stay in the shadows where nothing at all can hurt me ever ever again – This confession has meant nothing.

 

 

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“To Evelyn our relationship is yellow and blue, but to me it’s a gray place, most of it blacked out, bombed, footage from the film in my head is endless shots of stone and any language heard is utterly foreign, the sound flickering away over new images:

…nuclear warheads, billions of dollars, the total destruction of the world, someone gets beaten up, someone else dies, sometimes bloodlessly, more often by rifle shot, assassinations, comas, life played out as a sitcom, a blank canvas that reconfigures itself into a soap opera.

It’s an isolation ward that serves only to expose my own severely impaired capacity to feel.

I am at its center, out of season, and no one ever asks me for any identification.”

Bret Easton Ellis, American Psycho, Page 343

 

 

“Metaphor for a missing moment

Pull me in to your perfect circle

One womb, one shape, one result

 

Liberate this will to release us all

 

Gotta cut away, clear away

Slip away and sever this

Umbilical residue

Keeping me from killing you

 

And from pulling you down with me in here

I can almost hear you scream

 

One more medicated peaceful moment

One more medicated peaceful moment

 

And I don’t want to feel this overwhelming hostility

I don’t want to feel this overwhelming hostility

 

Gotta cut away, get away

Slip away and sever this

Umbilical residue

Keeping me from killing you.”

 

Maynard James Keenan, “Orestes”


THE BEGINNING